Firstly, classes have just ended. I love my teacher because he is so insightful, also because his mind is so random (yet not random) and that makes me feel less odd about myself.
Secondly,
Dream catchers are such pretty things but it suddenly dawned upon me that I wouldn't want to own one to catch my nightmares. I mean, what are we without our nightmares and the horrific parts that speak so much for ourselves?
Also, I had a dream two nights ago. At 12:40am (dream time) on my usual route home, i accidentally made eye contact with a man, quickly looked away but had the feeling he was going to follow me. I ignored it. A bit of regret involved, of letting my curiosity make eye contact with him. As I was crossing the road at 12:40am, a hand grabbed my waist from my back and asked me to follow him - he wouldn't let go.
The close proximity with a stranger about to do you harm kind of paralyzed me. I kept trying to dial - my home number - but kept failing to, and was at a complete loss of what to do. I grew so afraid of that gripping sensation that I jerked awake immediately. That sensation of someone grabbing my waist left me only half an hour later.
That fear of not knowing what will happen and there's nothing you can do was immensely terrifying. I don't remember being more helpless.
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Thirdly,
A japanese exchange student said, "In Japan, the degree does not matter that much. Companies believe in educating their employees. So I'm studying sociology" when we asked him why he is studying the arts. I like the idea of that.
These days I've been making a lot of considerations about the major I should choose: 1) To take up geography as a back up plan in case I want to teach. Honestly I don't like geography that much even though it was the only subject I studied for since secondary school, 2) To second major in new media in case I want to enter the industry (though I'm much more interested in advertising and design, which they don't focus as much on in nus), 3) If i were to do fine in psych stats, and major in it due to pure interest, what can I work as in the future, will I even continue to to take my masters? I've always had the idea, 4) To minor in philo/theatre/lit (more of the film component) just because they make me feel more human, and myself. I like that.
I mean Goddamnit why do I have to choose a major and worry about graduating in time, I just want to learn about everything interesting in school :(
Then I was assigning pictures to jf's words in class and thought it'd be fun to work as someone who expresses others' ideas in the from of images. Because I have the idea that art is a lot about drawing and I am not fantastic at it, I will not be an artist. Besides, I don't think my opinion about things should be exhibited and put on a pedestal. It'll be fun to express others' ideas into pictures, just so I wouldn't feel as self-absorbed.
We often have such
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Fourthly,
I like how jf prefers ugly but genuine things over the polished things, because I prefer that too. To have someone 'legit' have the same opinion as you sort of gives your opinion more validation, I think. "I like bad service. Because really, you're serving people all day, how can you ever be so happy? It's actually quite scary how they always have that smile on their faces".
Talking about my immense need for validation for my words, I feel that one friend knows that, and the other interprets it as "Emma wants me to buy her point of view" and that is so not true. I just want someone to say my point make sense, and if possible, add something to it. They could also disagree after understanding my point of view, because I'd be more than happy to accept anything that makes more sense that whatever I've come up with. I should stop having this craving for others' validation.
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Fifthly (this word looks odd. Let's change it to "fifth"),
Often, I get sad about how others make their (true) identity really clear to others while I can't. "being retarded" is no problem because you don't really show parts of yourself. But when it comes to voicing out my opinions, I always have a problem with that.
Because I'm afraid I'd be seen as pretentious for thinking about so much stuff, and I'm afraid I'd be seen as 'self absorbed' for having so much to talk about myself.
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Sixth,
I really really want to find someone whom I can learn a lot from.
Which leads to: I think my ideas about relationships with people (all sorts) are far too ideal and....
my friend has called so i have to leave for lunch.
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